Given Up
by Dramagirlet15
Summary: Chris reflects on his life and wonders why it is that he hasn't given up yet. Songfic.


Disclaimer- I, unfortunately, do not own any places (cause how cool would it be to own the Golden Gate bridge?), characters, or well anything that you saw on the show.

Authors note- this is in Chris' POV, because that's just how I rollIt takes place after Prince Charmed, maybe a week or so later, so everyone pretty much still hates Chris. The song is "The Mixed Tape", by Jack's Mannequin.

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_This is morning_

_That's when I spend the most time_

Thinking about what I've given up 

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It was freezing up on the bridge, but I can't seem to be able to summon the energy to really care. I look down on the world below, all of the ordinary people, going about their ordinary lives. Rushing off to work or coming home after the night shift.

I watch the sun rise in the distance, and I remember how in the future there were really only two times of the day that you could almost pretend that the world wasn't gone to hell. Dawn and dusk. The transition of light and dark, when the whole world looks ethereal and fairytale-like. It was the time of day when you could imagine that once the disorientation of the world wears off, that everything would be back to normal. Unfortunately, most people couldn't even remember a time before "Lord Wyatt", even if it had only been eight years.

But I remembered, I remembered every second of every day; I couldn't forget. And now, over twenty years in the past, I stand on my favorite childhood spot, and I think. I think about the death that I had been forced to witness, the death that I begrudgingly allowed to occur in order to save the masses. I think about the destruction that I had looked upon every day, and I remember how much I had hated to look at it at all.

And I think about all that I have given up. My mom, given over to death when I was only fourteen, my cousin-dead at the young age of 9, my Uncle Henry-caught in the crossfire while trying to usher a group of mortals out of a massacre when I was sixteen, my Uncle Coop- killed by a group of demons while out scavenging for food a year later.

I suppose that you could say that I had even given up my father, or at least any hope I had of us ever having any kind of bond, and when I was only eight (that was when I started referring to him as Leo).

I gave up my little sister for god sake!!! I watched her die in my arms when I was eighteen and she fifteen, I heard her tell me that it was better this way, that I should take care of myself now that she isn't there to do that for me.

I have given up on my own comfort, I only eat when it is necessary for my survival; I only sleep when I absolutely have to. After all, what right do I have to these luxuries? I have given up on my health. And as long as I'm thinking about it, I've given up my childhood for some hopeless crusade against my brother, that in the clarity of dawn, I realize was doomed from the beginning.

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_This is a warning_

_When you start the day _

_Just to close the curtains_

_Your thinking about what I've given up_

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Many people, I suppose, would have just given up after having all of this tragedy happen to them.

So why don't I?

Don't get me wrong, there have been plenty of days where I have just not wanted to get out of bed. What is it that those old rockstars used to say when they overdosed? Oh yeah, "I wanted to go to bed and just not wake up." Trust me, the thought crossed my mind many times. And yet I never did anything about it, I always dragged my ass out of bed and started the day, even if all I wanted to do was close the curtains.

So why didn't I?

It was for them. It was for the all of those scared women, men, and children who looked to me for guidance and hope.

How unencouraging would it be if I, the one who preaches to them to hang in there and cling to hope and life, just gave up all hope?

How would it look if I, the one tells them to be brave, have courage, and face each new day with strength, simply gave up and took the easy way out?

No, I wouldn't do that. And I guess if I am completely honest with myself, I also did not give up because I had an unrealistic fantasy of what the world would be like if I actually won this fight against my brother. I had this illusion in my head of everything that was ever wrong in my life suddenly being right.

Nobody would be dead, my brother would never have turned evil, my father would love me like a son, and I wouldn't have any sort of inferiority complex with Wyatt.

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_I read your letter_

_The one you left when you broke into my house_

_I'm retracing every step you made_

_And you said you meant it_

_And there's a piece of me in every single_

_Second of every single day_

_But if it's true then tell me how it got this way_

_Where are you now?_

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I hear the tinkling of orbs beside me and inwardly curse, why can't I at least enjoy the sunrise without him yelling at me?

"What are you doing here?" Leo asks me.

"I could ask you the same thing." Always keep them on the defensive my Aunt Phoebe used to say.

"Don't give me that bullshit."

"Are Elders allowed to swear?" I allow a small smile to grace my face, a sign of how comfortable I am right now, at my favorite place, at my favorite time of day.

"Chris." He's warning me. Oh, I'm so scared. Watch me cower in fear.

"Thinking, reflecting, enjoying the unrealness of the dawn light. Take you pick, I don't really care."

He gives me an odd look, as if he is surprised by my answer. But he doesn't say a word, so I talk instead. "What, did you think I was up here trying to tap into some unknown power and kill your son? Guess again."

"That's not what I was thinking," _yeah right_. "it's just weird, I mean what could you have to reflect on?"

He did not just go there. I suppose that I could blame my next words on the effects of the dawn light, but that wouldn't really be fair; I was just being stupid, I was too at peace to be talking to Leo. So instead of jut blowing him off, I actually answered. _Truthfully!_

"My life, the loss of my childhood, my mother dying when I was still young, my aunts and uncles being killed, my cousins suffering, having my baby sister die in my arms because I was too busy trying to save my younger cousin Payton when she died later that night anyway. Having to make the decision to leave good men behind in order to save a group. The world that I had been forced to grow up in, full of fire, destruction, and cold heartless laughter. My issues with my father, how I used to cling to a letter from him when I should have burned it. A question that my sister asked me a month before she died, she looked at me with emotionless eyes and asked, 'how did our lives get this way?'"

Throughout this entire speech I hadn't removed my emotionless mask, and I had not looked at Leo. Now I did, and I saw that he was openly staring at me.

I just looked at him and said, "So yeah, I guess I have a lot to reflect on." And with that, I orbed off without a word.

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_Where are you now?_

_As I'm swimming through this stereo_

_I can touch a symphony of sound_

_Where are you now?_

_As I'm cutting through it track by track_

_I swear to god this mix could sink the sun_

_Where are you now?_

_Where are you now?_

_And this is my mixed tape for you_

_Its like I wrote_

_Every note_

_With my own fingers_

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Thank-you for reading, now please please please please please, review!!! I love getting that little e-mail. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. LOL


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